I have flopped so many times, being so determined to eat all raw or high raw, and falling into the oblivion of soda, chips, burritos, and all the foods that provide instant fun and celebration, that lasts directly up until the food has been swallowed. And then I feel like shit. This isn't entirely true, cuz sometimes I feel great after eating super sweet or salty stuff that I don't feel OK about actually calling "food". Sometimes there is a sugar rush, and I feel extremely happy, giddy, and quite manic. It might be obvious what comes after that; THE CRASH. Sometimes, it is not so evident, but a sort of lackluster feeling, or a noticeable lack of energy, but then sometimes it is a total hangover. Headache, nauseau, heaviness and negative mental stuff going on. It is super frustrating, cuz after the onslaught of hard-to-digest shit that I just put in my mouth, I am also now dealing with the emotional abuse I pile on myself. This comes in the form of thoughts like "You know better, what are you doing?" and just feeling like I'm not doing myself any good by bypassing the foods that will nourish and help me thrive, that I think are delicious and fun, and going instead for the krap that clearly has extremely addictive components to it. The other part of me (the one that is learning to practice self-love) knows this second piling of negativity needs to be avoided, and I have gotten good at rejoicing eating stuff that will physically make me feel bad. I have been very excited at accomplishing this! And it makes me think, if I can do this with the junk that I know is poison, the krap i don't want in my life, then I can rejuvenate and re-pump myself up on vegan/raw foods again! (well, it's always been vegan, but Fritos are technically vegan. Just cuz it's vegan doesnt mean you should eat it.) And there's something important to me about having the mix of practicing self-forgiveness/love and learning and not repeating mistakes. I'm reading this great book right now that talks about listening to your body, and I really like that. For me, and probably so many, the temptation of soda, chips, and junk food comes from a mental place. When I was young, me and my brother would scavenge for soda bottles and return enough of them to get snacks for the nights we would spend in the treehouse with our neighbors. It was sooooooooooo much fun, and are some of my best memories. I get really emotional even right now, thinking about it. We would get chips, candy, soda, and listen to the radio, switching from station to station until someone would say "Oh, leave it here, it's Third Eye Blind!" This was all fueled by A LOT of sugar and salt. Likewise, when I started driving a car, I would hit up drive thru after drive thru and wash it all down with 2 liters of Mountain Dew. I would say from age 17 to 20, I ate mostly burgers, fries, Mountain Dew, and candy. At 20, I decided I wanted to stop eating animals and any animal products, and while I wasn't eating very healthy, the elimination of animal products did leave me feeling a lot better! I was really energetic and kept up for years on lots of soda, cookies, pizza, all kinds of soy/gluten/tofu meat imitations. Also, a lot of rice, pasta, bread, and very few fresh fruits and vegetables, nuts or seeds. RARELY a salad, and a few sprouts over several years. In 2008 it all changed. I went raw in January and went on a crazy high for half a year or something, going thru a couple detox periods and coming out of them feeling even better. The high plateaued, and I rode feeling good for a long time. Lots of questioning raw food, a little experiementation, coming back to it, and despite the doubts, generally feeling pretty amped on raw food. Then started the more heavy experiementation, in terms of the foods and the frequency. I started falling hard, eating krap I knew wasn't food. I hated doing this. Why was I doing this? A lot of the fond memories of these foods came back and I rejoiced in endulging in them, thinking of it krappy to deny myself this pleasure, and thinking "Life is short." And even saying that, I do feel that; Like, don't be so hard on yourself! But that balance is important to me. This krappy food is clearly a bummer to me. It provides a lot of short exciting moments, but always feels awful afterwards. Something deep within me hates it, knows it sucks, and gets bummed when I'm eating these addicting products. I think of the factories that manufacture that krap en mass, and I hate feeling like I'm a slave to their useless, harmful garbage. It is a waste of my money, a waste of energy, a waste of life. How can you deny this? At some point, I revert back to the true me that takes pleasure in making my own food, sharing it with friends, refusing to eat their poison. It is useless poison. It is not nutritious. Maybe poison is too harsh to say, but the part of me that knows it is only doing harm is angry that this shit is being produced and administered to people, hooking them thru addictive components in the "food" and ridiculous, insulting advertisements on tv, billboards, movies. If they are working so hard to sell it, if so much money is being spent to CONVINCE us that we NEED it, then shouldn't we be questioning why this is such a hard sell? Oranges don't need this hype machine behind them. It's this garbage culture that I want to drop out of. It is insulting, it is bad for life. The way they produce and market this food goes against all the things that help life continue. It is contributing to the death of this planet. It is important to not consider this stuff food and redefine, rearrange what a celebration is in our lives.
My previous post about the juice fast was bunk. Whatever, I really thought I was gonna "succeed". I can't say I failed. I made it 3 days and ate krap afterwards, so I didn't do the 7 days like I said, but I learned many things from that fast. I felt so free of anxiety, it was amazing. I felt so calm and collected. I also noticed the insane addictive pull of cooked food. The fact that I went to cooked food after 3 days without solid food is very telling to me. It would be easy for me to beat myself up about failing at the juice fast, but I don't consider it a failure. I would have rather come out on a smoothie or salad, but it's done. I know for another time, and I know how insane these cravings can be. Thanx for reading my rambles. Ha ha if anyone does.